Shelves
1)Shelves — How Questions Are Stored Until They Break
I spent fifty years in the Church.
From the age of eight until I was fifty-eight, Mormonism wasn’t something I attended—it was something I lived inside. It shaped my schedule, my language, my relationships, my identity, and my understanding of God.
And for most of those years, I carried a shelf.
What a “Shelf” Really Is
A shelf isn’t disbelief.
It isn’t rebellion.
It isn’t a desire to leave.
A shelf is what faithful people build when they encounter information that doesn’t fit—but don’t have the time, safety, or emotional space to deal with it.
So they do what responsible adults often do:
They set it aside.
High up.
Out of the way.
For “later.”
The First Items on the Shelf
For me, the items didn’t arrive all at once.
They came quietly, unexpectedly—almost accidentally.
I would stumble across something:
- A reference to the Danites
- A mention of the Council of Fifty
- A confusing detail about polygamy
- A phrase like “lying for the Lord”
- Hushed comments about the Second Anointing
- The Mountain Meadows Massacre
- Blood oaths
- Masonic rituals
- Avenging angels
Each time, I paused.
Each time, I wondered.
And each time, I did the same thing.
I put it on the shelf.
Why the Shelf Exists
The shelf isn’t built because someone is lazy or dishonest.
It exists because life is full.
There were kids to raise.
A wife to support.
Jobs to work.
Callings to fulfill.
Meetings to attend.
Lessons to prepare.
And the unspoken message was always the same:
“This isn’t the time.”
Someday—when things slow down—
Someday—when I can really study—
Someday—when I have the emotional bandwidth—
I’ll come back to this.
So the shelf grows.
Mormon Blinders and Survival
Looking back, I can see the blinders clearly now—but at the time, they felt like faith.
I trusted that answers existed.
I trusted that leaders were honest.
I trusted that God would sort it out.
And honestly?
Putting things on the shelf felt responsible.
It allowed me to keep functioning.
To keep believing.
To keep serving.
To keep my family steady.
The shelf wasn’t about avoiding truth.
It was about survival.
The Cost of Deferred Questions
But shelves are not neutral.
Every unanswered question has weight.
Every unresolved contradiction adds pressure.
Every “later” becomes a little heavier.
And shelves don’t disappear.
They wait.
Quietly.
Patiently.
What Eventually Changes
For many of us, life eventually creates space.
Kids grow up.
Callings change.
Careers slow down.
Energy returns—just enough to finally ask:
“What exactly have I been carrying all these years?”
That’s when people reach for the shelf.
Not angrily.
Not rebelliously.
But honestly.
And that’s when everything changes.
Why This Series Exists
This series is not about attacking belief.
It’s about acknowledging a shared experience—one that thousands, maybe millions, quietly live with.
Shelves are not a sign of weakness.
They are a sign of sincerity.
They belong to people who wanted truth badly enough to postpone it until they could face it fully.
Where We’re Going Next
In the next post, we’ll talk about why shelves are encouraged—often unintentionally—within high-demand religious systems.
We’ll explore:
- Why questions are framed as distractions
- Why “later” feels safer than “now”
- And how faith becomes something to protect rather than examine
Because shelves don’t break people.
Silence does.
2)Taking Items Off the Shelf — When “Someday” Finally Comes
For many years, my shelf did its job.
It kept life moving.
It kept faith intact.
It kept stress manageable.
But shelves were never meant to be permanent storage.
They were always meant to be temporary.
There Comes a Time When “Later” Becomes Now
For decades, I told myself the same thing many faithful members do:
“I’ll look into that later.”
Later, when the kids are older.
Later, when callings lighten up.
Later, when life slows down.
Later, when I have the time and emotional space to really study.
And for a long time, that made sense.
But eventually, something changes.
Not anger.
Not bitterness.
Just readiness.
Why Shelved Items Don’t Stay Neutral
Every item placed on the shelf carries weight.
Each unanswered question quietly asks:
- Why was this hidden?
- Why was I never taught this?
- Why does this feel so different from the narrative I was given?
Individually, each item seems manageable.
Collectively, they form a pattern.
And patterns demand attention.
The Realization That Changes Everything
At some point, I realized something important:
I didn’t avoid these topics because I didn’t care.
I avoided them because I cared too much to approach them casually.
These weren’t curiosities.
They weren’t gossip.
They weren’t anti-church talking points.
They were serious historical, doctrinal, and ethical questions that deserved serious investigation.
And I finally had the space to give them that respect.
It’s Time to Take Them Down — One at a Time
This series is not about dumping the shelf all at once.
That’s overwhelming.
That’s destabilizing.
That’s unnecessary.
Instead, it’s about doing what faithful people always intended to do:
Take the items down carefully—one at a time—and actually examine them.
Not emotionally.
Not defensively.
Not with pre-decided conclusions.
But honestly.
The Items We Will Examine
Over the coming posts, we will begin addressing shelf items that many lifelong members recognize immediately, including:
- The Danites
- The Council of Fifty
- Polygamy, including polyandry
- “Lying for the Lord”
- The Second Anointing
- The Mountain Meadows Massacre
- Blood oaths and covenants
- Masonic ritual influence
- Avenging angels
- And others that surface as the pattern unfolds
Each will be handled individually.
No piling on.
No exaggeration.
No selective sourcing.
Just primary sources, historical context, and honest questions.
Why This Must Be Done Slowly
One of the greatest mistakes people make when shelves finally crack is rushing.
Truth does not require speed.
It requires clarity.
These topics shaped lives.
They shaped families.
They shaped generations.
They deserve patience.
This Is Not an Exit Ramp — It’s an Investigation
This series is not about convincing anyone to leave anything.
It’s about integrity.
Integrity says:
- If something is true, it can be examined.
- If something is from God, it will withstand light.
- If something requires silence to survive, that itself is information.
The Question That Guides This Series
Every shelf item will be examined through the same lens:
Is this consistent with the character of God, the teachings of Yeshua, and the moral expectations Scripture sets?
Not modern standards.
Not cultural discomfort.
Biblical standards.
A Word to Those Still Carrying Shelves
If you are reading this and thinking:
“I’m not ready yet.”
That’s okay.
Shelves break when people force them to.
They open safely when people are ready.
This series exists for those who have reached that quiet moment where honesty feels less frightening than avoidance.
Where We Go Next
In the next post, we’ll begin with one of the earliest and least discussed shelf items:
The Danites.
Who they were.
Why they existed.
What was taught about them.
And why they quietly disappear from official narratives.
Not to shock.
But to understand.
Because truth doesn’t demand belief—it invites investigation.
The Danites — When the Shelf Becomes Personal (With Receipts)
When I was in my thirties, I decided it was time to find my roots.
The Church strongly encouraged genealogy. Temple ordinances depended on it. Baptisms for the dead required names, dates, and records. We were taught that gathering this information wasn’t just family history—it was salvational work.
So I began digging into my family line.
That search led me to a journal that changed everything.
A Journal I Wasn’t Expecting
One of the records I found was the journal of George W. Johnson, my great-great-great-great grandfather.
At first, it read like many early pioneer accounts—faith, sacrifice, persecution, loyalty to leaders. But as I read further, I began encountering language that didn’t fit the simplified version of church history I had grown up with.
Then I encountered something I had never heard of before:
The Danites.
Asking the Question — And Being Shut Down
I did what faithful members are taught to do.
I asked about it in Sunday School.
The response was immediate and dismissive:
“The Danites were never real. They’re a myth. Anti-Mormon lies.”
The discussion ended there.
But that answer created a problem I couldn’t ignore.
Because if the Danites never existed, then my grandfather was lying.
And that didn’t align with what I was reading in his own words.
What the Journal Clearly Establishes
Presence in the Exact Time and Place
George W. Johnson places himself directly in Kirtland, Missouri, and Nauvoo during the most violent and secretive period of early LDS history.
He writes of moving to Kirtland in 1833, becoming personally acquainted with Joseph Smith, witnessing the dedication of the Kirtland Temple, and then traveling to Missouri during the 1837–1839 conflicts diaryofgeorgewjo00john.
This timeframe aligns exactly with the historically documented formation and activity of the Danites in Missouri (1838).
Explicit References to Secrecy
One of the most important passages appears in a poetic narrative describing events in Nauvoo:
“Short often we met with Joseph
Who taught us some things that were new
It was there I learned things that were secret
That then were revealed to few” diaryofgeorgewjo00john
This is not vague language.
It clearly describes:
- Restricted knowledge
- Limited disclosure
- Teachings not intended for the general membership
Language of Inner Circles and Betrayal
In the same section, Johnson writes:
“Those he had trusted
Places in his bosom…
They scattered the seeds of dissension
To stir up the ire of the gentiles” diaryofgeorgewjo00john
This language reflects:
- Inner trust networks
- Loyalty expectations
- Internal betrayal
- External retaliation
These are all well-documented characteristics of extra-legal Mormon defense groups operating in Missouri.
Militarized and Defensive Framing
Throughout the journal, Johnson consistently frames events in terms of:
- Enemies
- Deserters
- Defense
- Forced expulsion
- Loyalty to leadership
For example, describing Missouri expulsions and violence:
“The Saints from Missouri were driven
From all their possessions to roam…
Destruction before and behind” diaryofgeorgewjo00john
This is not passive persecution language. It reflects an environment of conflict, retaliation, and survival.
The Silence That Speaks Loudest
Nowhere in the journal does George W. Johnson use the word Danite.
That absence is not evidence against their existence.
Historically:
- Danites did not record membership
- Names were avoided
- Activities were described euphemistically
- Oaths were oral, not written
The silence is consistent with how Danites operated, not evidence they did not exist.
Why This Broke the Shelf
This was no longer abstract history.
This was my family.
Either:
- My grandfather participated in something the Church now denies, or
- The Church taught me a narrative that could not withstand primary sources
There was no third option.
And once that realization landed, the shelf could no longer hold it.
Transparency Matters
For full transparency, I have made the entire journal available as a flip book so readers can examine it for themselves.
You don’t have to take my word for anything.
📖 Read the journal here:
https://mormonlandings.com/books-journals/
Truth does not require protection from examination.
Why This Matters Beyond One Family
This is not about accusing early saints of evil.
George W. Johnson comes across as a sincere, faithful man navigating chaos, violence, and loyalty in an impossible situation.
This is about systems that:
- Normalize secrecy
- Later deny what was once quietly permitted
- Teach members to distrust primary sources in favor of approved narratives
That is how shelves are built.
Where We Go Next
In the next post, we will ask the unavoidable question:
Why were the Danites needed at all?
What conditions created them?
Who authorized them?
And why does this story disappear from correlated history?
Because shelves don’t break from rumors.
They break when primary sources refuse to stay silent.
